Sunday, October 31, 2010


I have no idea where to start...

Ok, so times are trying right now for me. I am still swimming in the sea of confusion in a lot of ways. I am still lacking a sense of home for where I'm at right now. My spiritual life is not going so well. I really like my cohort members but I wish there were more opportunities to hang out with them outside of class. Work is great and I absolutely love my boss, but that even feels like meh.

Tonight a very awesome individual and someone I look up to a lot here and don't give enough credit to asked me how i was doing. This immediately turned into quite the conversation. I have this way of categorizing life into good times and bad times. I have been through a lot of both. I would like to change this way of thinking because perhaps life isn't supposed to be but into those boxes. If we constantly think this way then we will always be happy and praising in the good times and fearing the bad times. All times make up this great concept of LIFE. People say "that's just life". Most times this phrase is in reference to those traditionally bad or negative times. It's just kind of humorous that the bad times get the "life" title. It would sound weird if when a new baby is born or your son or daughter graduates form college, that you say "oh that's just life". Hell no, you are shouting for joy, congratulating yourself and others, and counting your blessings (hopefully). We are so fragile as humans and are swayed so many different directions. As we live this life we experience many different things. I have forgotten that regardless of the season of life anyone is in, GOD REMAINS THE SAME. He wants our happy. He wants our selfish. He wants our broken. He wants our secret sins. He wants our successes. He wants everything and deserves nothing short of that. I had lost that belief. I walked away from Christ, or so I thought. Good thing that's impossible. Sometimes we can say that we don't feel God or we are guilty because we feel less spiritual than we once did. Even if we never felt God or had no emotion toward that relationship at all, wouldn't we still worship Him? Wouldn't we still pray to him during tough times? Wouldn't we still acknowledge that He is God on His throne?Emotion is a gift and should be treated only as that. As humans we have that gift of being able to emotionally connect to our creator. Unfortunately, because of this gift we abuse it often. When we are not receiving this emotion we lose sight of the relationship. This shouldn't be. If anything it should be a spring board to worship harder and to seek Christ more.

Let God sit with you. Let God cry with you. Let God dance with you. Let Him be with you. Let Him meet you where you are and tell you that you are going to be stronger through whatever you're going through. Let God be happy with you. Let God meet you where you are. Let Him smile at you when every human would frown and scoff at your behavior. Let Him be consistent. Let Him be the only consistency. Let God forget your wrong doings. Let Him lead you with confidence. My friends, you are loved by an unconditional love.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Rockin' the Boat

I am in a very contemplative time of life right now. The honeymoon stage of grad school is over. I am settled in here for the most part and just kinda going along. Work is fine and my events are happening. School is fine and my assignments are happening.

I am being rocked. I am confused. The curriculum in class is rocking my views that I have always known and been comfortable with. Living in California is also rocking my views. I am starting to feel my age playing a part, or lack there of. I feel young and inexperienced a lot of the time. I am spiritually dry. I miss home a lot. It is always good in grad school to be around people with similar interests and I feel blessed to have that, but I also need those people that are nothing like me. Student affairs is people and feelings based a lot of the time. Where are my logical and unemotional friends when I need that balance.

Ok sorry I just word-barfed all over you....

I have a lot on my mind right now, and I'm in desperate need to reflection and meditation. The theories and things we are learning in class are excellent but they also confuse me and I dont know how much I truly believe some of them. Spirituality is so neutral here which is a good change that I need, but I need more Christian discipleship in my life right now. I do feel like I'm in a bit of a dry spell with Jesus. I have lost some faith and trust and often find myself questioning things I have always known. This weekend was very hard for me being so far away from Waco. I vow to never miss another Baylor Homecoming again in my life because I was just a mess this week over it. I also thought that my cohort would be more of a family than it is. I am close with a lot of them and absolutely love the people I have gotten to know, but being from Texas and not having an established life outside the program has made me feel like an outsider at times. There is a lot of people from California and more specifically from this area and they already have friends and other involvements here. Also, everything is so spread out here. I miss the closeness in location of my friends and I these last 4 years.

Ok, I just did a lot of venting. I can assure you that you do not need to worry about me at all. I am not worried. In fact, I am prepared to dive into this state of confusion. I don't necessarily think it's a bad place to be. I feel like I have no answers for anything right now and that's ok. I like being here and I smile amongst the storm just thinking about me on the other side of it. I know God has his arms around me right now even though I sometimes choose to ignore them. Prayers are always appreciated and stay tuned for updates on this great stage of life. Love you all.