I am in a very contemplative time of life right now. The honeymoon stage of grad school is over. I am settled in here for the most part and just kinda going along. Work is fine and my events are happening. School is fine and my assignments are happening.
I am being rocked. I am confused. The curriculum in class is rocking my views that I have always known and been comfortable with. Living in California is also rocking my views. I am starting to feel my age playing a part, or lack there of. I feel young and inexperienced a lot of the time. I am spiritually dry. I miss home a lot. It is always good in grad school to be around people with similar interests and I feel blessed to have that, but I also need those people that are nothing like me. Student affairs is people and feelings based a lot of the time. Where are my logical and unemotional friends when I need that balance.
Ok sorry I just word-barfed all over you....
I have a lot on my mind right now, and I'm in desperate need to reflection and meditation. The theories and things we are learning in class are excellent but they also confuse me and I dont know how much I truly believe some of them. Spirituality is so neutral here which is a good change that I need, but I need more Christian discipleship in my life right now. I do feel like I'm in a bit of a dry spell with Jesus. I have lost some faith and trust and often find myself questioning things I have always known. This weekend was very hard for me being so far away from Waco. I vow to never miss another Baylor Homecoming again in my life because I was just a mess this week over it. I also thought that my cohort would be more of a family than it is. I am close with a lot of them and absolutely love the people I have gotten to know, but being from Texas and not having an established life outside the program has made me feel like an outsider at times. There is a lot of people from California and more specifically from this area and they already have friends and other involvements here. Also, everything is so spread out here. I miss the closeness in location of my friends and I these last 4 years.
Ok, I just did a lot of venting. I can assure you that you do not need to worry about me at all. I am not worried. In fact, I am prepared to dive into this state of confusion. I don't necessarily think it's a bad place to be. I feel like I have no answers for anything right now and that's ok. I like being here and I smile amongst the storm just thinking about me on the other side of it. I know God has his arms around me right now even though I sometimes choose to ignore them. Prayers are always appreciated and stay tuned for updates on this great stage of life. Love you all.